I’ve always thought that I’m weird. I think differently. So I get scared of voicing out my opinions without hearing out others first. I just want to be normal, you know, like everyone else. If this is what ‘special’ is then I don’t want to be special.
I tell myself that I’m strong. I don’t need anyone. I’m happy alone. I can do everything I want. I’m self-sufficient. Thinking about it now, perhaps, it’s more like I HAVE to be strong, I HAVE to be okay with being alone. I HAVE to be okay. Don’t get too close. Don’t ever depend on others. People leave, people disappoint. People expect you to be a certain way. Thinner. Fairer. Smarter. Not too expressive but not too private. Then maybe they will love you. But I don’t want to be all that. So I have to be okay with being alone, right?
I promised myself that I’ll be enough for me, won’t ask for more. Don’t tell. Hide.
Then sometimes, I open up to people when I know I shouldn’t. Some people make me forget my fears and just be me. Not everyone. Not all the time. Not intentionally.
Some people. Very few of them that I can count with my fingers.
It’s nice and very refreshing at the beginning. When I’m with them, the voices in my head quiets down. I feel happy.
Then the fear kicks back in. When they’re not around, the (warped) thoughts come back and it’s usually worse. Because now, there are more at stake.
So, I need them to tell me over and over and over again that they love me, that they’re not going to leave.
I need to hear it so I can convince myself against the voices inside my head that are so loud, louder louder louder that’s telling me otherwise.
Telling me that it’s an act.
They just pity me.
They’re just sorry that I stupidly let myself love them unconditionally
That actually I’m crazy and no one really wants to deal with shit like that.
I’m a bad friend.
So clingy. So needy. So desperate. So demanding.
So intense. So much energy.
Crazy. Dramatic. Overreacting.
Weird. Mental. Psychotic. Over-sensitive.
Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
So I should try harder, harder, harder, harder.
Every problem always seemed bigger than it actually is. Scarier. I’ll tear up at the slightest thing. I breathe faster, my mouth dries up, I start shaking, sometimes it gets a little tight in my chest, I’ll feel dizzy and a bit nauseous. My brain will start telling me all the ways things can go wrong.
But if you see me then, you’d probably just think I’m lost in my thoughts.
I didn’t know what it was then but when it happens I’ll feel like screaming or banging my head on the wall so it’ll stop.
But no one can know.. They already think I’m weird as it is. So I just smile and pretend my mind was not killing me silently inside.
I don’t know when exactly I started having them but thinking back now, the first episode that I can remember was in 2014. It’s not just issues with people I care, there are other things that can trigger these episodes too but let’s not go there.
I hope I’d been diagnosed earlier. I’m a medical student, how can I not see it?!
I ended up hurting a friend.
This friend was THE nicest person I’ve ever met and our friendship was very special to me. Maybe that’s why this time the thoughts were WAYYY louder and exhausting, very draining like never before. My friend is not an expressive person so I can’t get the verbal reassurance I needed. So my brain said I should try harder and it just got more and more exhausting.
Then, something happened and I thought –that’s it, you have to run away NOW! That’s the right thing to do.
run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run
Maybe then the voices will stop. Stop telling me what a disgusting person I am. I was confused. Very very very very confused. I was convinced that running away was the best thing for this friend too because ‘they don’t care anyway. I’m not important. I’m just a burden anyway. They won’t even know that I’m not here anymore’. But.. a part of me wanted my friend to hold on to me, to stop me. Maybe I didn’t really want to leave (?).
A month later, it became apparent that my friend was not happy with what I did. They were hurt? What? Why?
I hurt my friend?
I’m must be really crazy. I’m psychotic. I’m mental. I’m dangerous. My brain is screwed. I thought I only hurt me, now I’m hurting others too??
I’m scared now. Of hurting more people.
Keep myself busy, sign up for everything.
Distractions. Distractions. Distractions.
So I’m not alone with my thoughts.
I’m scared of me.
I’m like fire.
No one should get too close, I can only burn.