Numb

I’ve never taken anything my friends say too seriously, they’re jokes. Thinking about it now, I probably should’ve paid more attention to them and done something about it earlier.

“don’t tell really long stories to her, she’ll zone out mid way”

“you’re so heartless nowadays”

“such a pessimist”

“you used to be better with words”

“hey ! are you here? come back!”

nope
By @gemmacorrell

Today I went to the airport to send off a really close friend (she’s going home and probably never coming back to the UK) and honestly, I was very very upset but I just couldn’t express it. I couldn’t cry. I felt numb the whole time, I didn’t even know what to say. I said something eventually to which another friend remarked as sounding ‘a little too fake‘.

It hurts that I can’t really tell her how much she means to me and I can only hope that she knows. I try to find the right words or emotions to feel about her leaving but I can’t.

That was very scary. It’s like I’ve finally stopped feeling so much love. All this while I feel like I’ve been suffering from caring too much and then the goodbyes that I believe is inevitable. All this time I’ve been praying so I can stop caring so intensely. Stop feeling the need to express everything that I feel. What’s the point of loving people so hard if my brain is going to get into that twisted anxiety mode and I’ll end up ruining everything anyway.

I guess this is what I wanted.

Why does it not make me feel good though?

I wanted to tell them why and what is actually going on but I’m scared and too tired already. I used to think that if I explain everything, people will understand me. If I make a mistake, they’ll understand because they know who I really am (from all the explaining I did before). But the truth is, you can tell people all you want but once you make a mistake, you’ll be reduced to just that – the mistake.

That’s a very human thing, isn’t it? Totally understandable.

I’ve heard this so many times; when you’re upset, all you can see is your problem. I can only see my pain. As I selfishly think about my pain I end up hurting people, and then all they can see is the pain I caused and at that point, why I did it doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m scared explaining will only expose and open myself more to people’s judgements, to their own twists of my words. How can I expect others to understand when sometimes even I don’t understand what I’m feeling or what I really want?

Don’t get me wrong, my friends are good people and I really care for them. They’re not to blame anyway because every time they asked if I’m okay, I said yes. My friends might understand me but.. they also may not.

The last time I told someone everything I felt, I ended up hurting that friend. Then I try to make things better by doing more explaining, more words, more talks. But all it did was make things worse and I’m left exposed & alone like a shameless person. I’m too scared to let that happen again.

If anything, I’ve learnt something about myself. When things get hard or too confusing and the voices get too loud, I take a step back and run away from people. But I’m not the kind of person who leaves because goodbyes are not my thing. Letting go is almost an impossible thing for me. The other thing I’ve learnt is that when you run away you have to know that the person you ran away from might not be there when you come back. The thing about stepping away is that it hurts others too. It confuses them too and that’s so unfair. So I guess the best thing to do if they don’t want you back is to respect that. It is hard and I really want them to understand but what’s the point? If they’ve made up their mind, nothing I say will change anything. Sometimes it makes me feel so selfish that I just can’t let go, that I keep trying when all they want is for me to leave and not come back. I just need more time, I guess, to understand that maybe I should just give up because all my efforts are futile anyway. Maybe I should hold on to my pride a bit tighter instead of a broken friendship that perhaps can never be mended.

I’m terrified of telling my friends I love them now. What if it makes me love them more? What if the same thing happens again?

I don’t want a ‘best friend’ anymore. But I’m the kind of person who loves labelling everything. So, no best friend means not loving anyone as much anymore.

I’m scared of texting people because they’ll think I’m too demanding, so dependent. I shouldn’t expect them to text me or reply my texts immediately, that’s clingy. So what should I say? How many texts are not too many? How much do I tell about myself so it’s not too much? My brain is already always on overdrive which is why I can’t really filter what I say because I don’t have enough capacity inside there to analyse what I should or should not say. Now that I know the harms words can do, what should I say? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. Maybe I should just stop saying things.

Don’t get too close but not too far, just enough distance that if they leave it won’t hurt. And if they stay, you are not close enough to hurt them.

I also need to stop saying things that will make me vulnerable.

STOP, PLEASE..

Writing this now makes me wonder if these are ‘my warpy thoughts‘ or if they’re actually real lessons that I should remember for life. My therapist did say I have “very little insight into my condition” and that I should learn to be more aware of my thoughts and learn how to separate the warpy ones and the okay ones(?). Guess I still can’t do that.

I think it’s been about two months since I first went to seek help. I honestly don’t think I’ve improved much. The anxiety attacks have been more frequent and the fact that I now know that they’re ‘anxiety attacks’ is making it a bit more scarier.

The comments from my friends and people around me make me feel like I really need to get on top of this thing.

But I feel like I’m losing myself. Or maybe I’m already a different person? I’m definitely not the person I was last year and I’m not sure I’m liking the new me. I feel like what happened didn’t just worsen my anxiety but it also changed me into this insensitive emotionless person I am now. It’s like I’ve got this outer shell around me, filtering every emotions as I sense them so nothing goes outside, nothing is seen. And maybe nothing goes inside too, so I don’t feel that much either. At first I thought I was moving on but not feeling anything is not moving on. It’s temporary. I know because I’ve been slipping into and out of this numb-shell a few times already now. I know that once I start feeling again it all comes back like a storm. And when I get into the next numb episode, it’s worse than before. I’m becoming harder and harder and harder. I’m scared one day I’ll never get out of it, forever stuck in this emotionally paralysed state.

Ahh, this is so tiring.

I just hope that I can be patient, consistent and never forget my aim to take control of my life back because this problem clearly does not have a quick fix. That one day I’ll be able to stop this cycle. That one day I’ll feel happy again. Not in short bursts or situational, but continuously at peace.

And I pray that my current (and future) friends know that I don’t mean to be this weird, this psychotic, this confusing. I really don’t mean to hurt any of you. And I REALLY wish to sing Kelly Clarkson’s Dark Side to all my friends (so go listen because you’re not next to me now!). :)

 

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